Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays