@Sarcasticsapien: Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I'm going to prison.
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@thepunningman: [hamster construction site] "Colin, you seen Dave?" I left him manning the concrete mixer "Oh no" [cut to Dave having the time of his life]
@ericsshadow: Cop: license and registration. Me: I don't carry my drivers license so I don't lose it. Cop: where is it? Me: I have absolutely no idea.
@moose_chocolate: The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
@djdarrellripley: Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college.. Her: Yes I did. Me: No you didn't. Her: Yes I did. Me: Oh you're good!