We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
(True)
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?