me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
You Might Also Like
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.