Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
the council will decide your fate
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath