Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Help Wanted
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you