Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.