Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.