[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”