“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
there’s probably a fee though
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”