“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Covid like
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
fair
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird