Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
You Might Also Like
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
happy friday
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
No regrets in 2018
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.