[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Hello Twits.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Dune (2021)
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.