[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”