[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
You Might Also Like
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Mhm.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.