@weinerdog4life: *chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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@flashember: [Worm sitting alone] WAITER: Dinner for 1? Dumb question W: But- *worm cuts self in half* *waiter shrieks* 2nd WORM: I'll have the prime rib
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.
@Maxine12333: The only way I'd get within six feet of some people is if I'm standing on their grave.
@jazmasta: They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes