@weinerdog4life: *chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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@chuuew: SEA LION 1: "More like shark *weak* amirite?" SEA LION 2: "Hahaha" SHARK: "Hey guys, what ya watching?" [Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
@StinkyGr33n: Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today: Me: What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye? Him: I give up Me: A terrorst
@seamussaid: son you're getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own; bathing the cat for starters
@kolchak: Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word "girl" with "gerbil".