*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.