[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
You Might Also Like
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up