@gylertagan: [Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
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@LaziestCanine: Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly
@notalogin: We can play Yahtzee again. -You fixed the broken dice? Yeah. And they'll never break again. -How do you know? *grins* Die mends are forever.
@Dani_Feld: A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind. And now, we wait...
@iwearaonesie: If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling "It's over here you idiot!"