@gylertagan: [Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
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@liv_thatsme: *calling my sister while babysitting her kid* me: Is it true that putting butter on your head gets it unstuck from the banister? sister: OH MY GOD, MY SON’S HEAD IS STUCK IN THE BANISTER? me: Guess again.
@man_spach: When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
@AndrewNadeau0: INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff. TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?