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@gylertagan: [Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
@Jenny4ashley: 1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There's no episode where a man asks a woman 'what's wrong?'
@GregHenchman: "Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
@ShutUpThatsWho: [playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
@junejuly12: The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.