*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.