@samuelhlowe: Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I've ever been to hunting my own food.
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@evanrhorne: I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I'm so excited.
@BuckyIsotope: *being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye* HE STARTED IT
@SocialBitterfly: *one day before marriage* Parents: Don't talk to the groom. Don't see him. Don't think. *one day after marriage* Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
@One_FineMess: A cig takes 7 minutes off your life A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life According to my calculations I should have died in 1812