*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
lol
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad