*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away