[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
A drum solo but on your face.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT