[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch