Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!