*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
We all have our pet causes.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.