@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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@1Happytwit: This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you're not even sure what you just said.
@pixelatedboat: When I die, PLEASE don't bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.