@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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@graceful_asfuck: Family: come play dodgeball Me: nah Fam: oh come on Me: no thanks Fam: JUST PLAY Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
@Contwixt: "My water-bowl wasn't filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes." --Cats
@NickadooLA: Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don't work and don't pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.
@Molly_Kats: YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.