@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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@QwertyJones3: A girl called me "sir" today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
@RhinoUR: Buys valentine. Writes "I love you" inside. Mails card to self. Receives card in mail. Reads card. "Eww, why do I attract losers?"
@Dawn_M_: I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don't want them to fall in love with me.
@shegotagronk: My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.