Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.