Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!