@JosesLovesYou: check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar. If it makes a volcano, its baking soda. If not, your drugs is ruined. Drugs are always bad.
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@thongbeard: Just texted her "thanks for choking on me" I meant "checking" but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster*
@mattZillaaaa: [job interview] "So where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Getting asked this question somewhere else