[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.