Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
You Might Also Like
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
#CatsOnTwitter
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.