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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
the clam before the storm
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.