Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?