[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
This is always good for a laugh.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”