[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”