I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.