Checkmate, Flat Earthers
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.