*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.