[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
and now we wait
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.