[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
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My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
A classic…
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.