Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭