*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)