*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.