*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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