*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*seductively peels off lederhosen