*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
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Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
it be like that
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.