*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.