*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.