Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You Might Also Like
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
work smarter, not harder
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning