This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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A family that plays together cheats.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh