I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”