@SuperheroFeed: Cheer up.
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@bea_ker: [guy bursts into crowded real estate agents] OK NOBODY MOVE *from back office* Aw c'mon man - really? It's tough enough in this economy.
@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
@ThRealBallsDeep: <at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.
@Vodkantots: If your boyfriend doesn't buy you chocolates today, it's probably because he thinks you're fat.