Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Wait a second…
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought